From my favourite Twitter stream of the moment @shitmydadsays written by 28 year old Justin who lives with his 73-year-old dad. As Justin says: "He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says".
Here's some of Justin's Dad's shit
"Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks."
"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."
"Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing."
"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."
"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down."
"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni (my mom) it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!"
"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."
"They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference, because you drink shit. I don't."
"My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday...You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I'm a mad man if you don't pick me the hell up."
"It's watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don't even pay rent, just do it. Shit."
(left on answering machine) "Hello? Hello? It's Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this god damned thing. HELLO?! HELLO?! Screw it."
"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think."
If your brother comes by, tell him I'm on vacation. I already told him that, but who knows with that guy. Are you listening to me? Fuck.
Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer.
"Jesus it's hot in here? Right? No? It's fucking hot, you people looking at me like i'm crazy. You're crazy."
"When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human feces a lot."
"The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside."
I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don't fix me your breakfast and pretend you're fixing mine."