The idea of getting a, y'know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.
Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever.
All governments are lying cocksuckers.
I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.
Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it's all about, perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once?
Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration — that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."
Then comes the kicker: Say the alphabet — backwards. "Well, shoot, you got me. I'm not drunk, but I'm obviously too stupid to be driving, God damn it."
Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health nut. The plot thickens. You remember Jim Fixx? This human cipher used to write books on jogging. Now, what do you fuckin' write about jogging? "Right foot, left foot, faster, faster, oh hell, I dunno, go home, shower." Pretty much covers the jogging experience, I do believe. Then this doofus goes out and has a heart attack and dies... while jogging. There is a God. "Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage."
Rick Astley? Have you seen this banal incubus at work? Boy, if this guy isn't heralding Satan's imminent approach to Earth, huh. "Don't ever wanna make you cry, never wanna make you sigh...never gonna break your heart" ... oh, I wouldn't worry about that without a dick, buddy. You got a corn nut! You got a clit! You're not even a guy! You're an AIDS germ that got off a slide! They're puttin' music to AIDS germs, they're puttin' a drum machine behind them in a metronome beat and Ted Turner's colorizing 'em, God damn it!
Anybody can be a bum; all it takes is the right girl, the right bar and the right friends, and you are well... your buddies will see you off. They'll christen your dumpster for ya.
We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna murder somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house.
One time me and three friends dropped acid and drove around in my dad's car. He has one of those talking cars, we're trippin', and the car goes, "The door is ajar." We pulled over and thought about that for 12 hours. "How can a door be a jar?"..."Why would they put a jar on a car?"..."Oh man, the freeway's melting"..."Put it in the jar."
I've noticed a certain anti-intellectualism going around this country; since about 1980, oddly enough...I was in Nashville, Tennessee and after the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, but I was hungry. And I'm sitting there eating and reading a book. I don't know anybody, I'm alone, so I'm reading a book. The waitress comes over to me like, [gum smacking] "What'chu readin' for?" I had never been asked that. Not "What am I reading?", but "What am I reading for?" Goddangit, you stumped me. Hmm, why do I read? I suppose I read for a lot of reasons, one of the main ones being so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.
There's some serious pockets of humanity in this country. Go to any of these truck stops in the middle of nowhere, you meet some serious folk, man. Order coffee, the guy behind the counter goes, "You want the 32-ounce or the large?" Geez, how big is that large? "You'll wanna pull your car around back. I'll start the pump."
Good evening, my name is Bill Hicks. I've been on the road now doing comedy twelve years, so uh, bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time....I'm kinda tired of traveling, kinda tired of doing comedy, kinda tired of staring out at your blank faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself.
They proved that if you quit smoking it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reachin'. I figure, if He could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze Him that much.
People pay lip service to saving the planet, but they don't --they fail to make the big leap that if you want to save the planet, kill your fucking self. The planet will be saved without you. And what a delightful place it'll be. Welcome. It's a new thing I'm working on called "The Comedy of Hate." Join in.
I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." "Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?"
See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke; let me be the first to pop that fucking bubble and send you hurtling back to reality — because you're dead too. And you know what doctors say: "Shit, if only you'd smoked, we'd have the technology to help you. It's you people dying from nothing who are screwed."
And I'll tell you something too. That's starting to annoy me about UFOs, the fact that they cross galaxies or universes to visit us, and always end up in places like — Fyffe fucking Alabama. Maybe these aren't super-intelligent beings, you know what I mean?
You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years — rrreal fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.
They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. Sexual thoughts exist and, therefore, there is Playboy. Do you see?... You know what causes sexual thoughts? I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight. I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, 'cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this one issue up once and for all and let's move on to real issues.
Here's what causes sexual thoughts: having a dick.
People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.
I was walking through Central Park, and I saw an old man smoking. Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking. This guy was ancient, bent over a walker, puffing away. I'm like, "Duuude, you're my hero! Guy your age smoking, man, it's great." He goes, "What? I'm 28."
I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to y'all.
I think it's interesting the two drugs that are legal, alcohol and cigarettes, two drugs that do absolutely nothing for you at all; and the drugs that might open your mind up to realize how badly you're being fucked every day of your life?...Those drugs are against the law. Heheh, coincidence?
I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country... How are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we are all one?
You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons — incredible weapons." "How do you know that?" "Uh, well... we looked at the receipts. But as soon as that check clears, we're goin' in."
"God put [dinosaur fossils] here to test our faith!"... I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. Does that bother anybody else, the idea that God might be fucking with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge.
Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of horseshit! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
You ever look at their faces? "We're pro-life." Don't they look it? Don't they just exude joie de vivre?
"I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God." And I say no, it's not, Dad. "Well I believe that it is." Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth.
I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit... left chocolate eggs in the night. Now... I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book.
I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys that like to lie in a tub while other guys pee on him?
Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um, — they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? There's another 90 percent of our brains that we have to illuminate.
You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article front page of the paper one day, in England, "Yesterday, some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftesbury" ... Wooooo. The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose!... What if they become ruffians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shaftesbury tonight. [to the tune of "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who] "No one knows what it's like... to be a dustbin... in Shaftesbury... with hooligans..."
You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, it looks like he rushed it.
People say to me, "Bill, quit bringing up Kennedy, man. Let it go. It was a long time ago." Alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. I mean, as long as we're talking shelf-life here. "Y'know, Bill, Jesus died for us..." Yeah, it was a long time ago. Forget about it. How 'bout this, get Pilate to release the fuckin' files. Quit washing you hands, Pilate, and release the files. Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day?
People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch of paper with a pen. Give me a fucking Etch-a-sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this back-slapping "aren't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. "I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs." "I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking." "Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!" "Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid. By the way, keep drinking beer, you fucking morons."
There's a new party being born: The People Who Hate People Party. People who hate people, come together! "No!" We're kind of having trouble getting off the boards. Come to our meeting! "Are you gonna be there?" Yeah. "Then I ain't fucking coming." But you're our strongest member! "Fuck you!" That's what I'm talking about, you asshole! Fuck off! Damn, we almost had a meeting going. It's so hard to get my people together.
The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! "Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options."
Oh, there's a threat to America! Yeah, yeah, yeah... Back to that fuckin' COPS show. 'Cuz I'll tell you who the threat to freedom... no, no, not to freedom. I'll tell you who the threat to the status quo is in this country: it's us. That's why they show you shows like fuckin' COPS. So you know that state power will win and we'll bust your house down and we'll fuckin' bust you anytime we want. That's the message.
I've been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern communities in front of handfulls of hillbillies. I've been doubting my own existence.
How much do you smoke, sir? Two packs a day, is that right? Pussy. I go through two lighters a day. That's right, two lighters! You're a health nut compared to me. You're like the Jack LaLanne of smokers compared to me.
I know this is not a very popular idea. You don't hear it too often any more...but it's the truth. I have taken drugs before and...I had a real good time. Sorry. Didn't murder anybody, didn't rape anybody, didn't rob anybody, didn't beat anybody, didn't lose — hmm — one fucking job, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. Sorry. Now, where's my commercial?
That's what I hate about the war on drugs. All day long we see those commercials, "Here's you brain, here's your brain on drugs", "Just Say No", "Why do you think they call it dope?" ... And then the next commercial is [singing] "This Bud's for yooouuuu." C'mon, everybody, let's be hypocritical bastards. It's okay to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs; those untaxed drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you. Nicotine, alcohol... good drugs, coincidentally taxed drugs.
Pot is a better drug than alcohol. Fact!... I'll prove it to you. If you're at a ball game or a concert and someone's really violent and aggressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot?
That's why my girlfriend and I broke up: she wanted kids, and I... well, she wanted kids. [laughs] I had no idea her philosophy was that flawed. She goes, "Wouldn't it be nice to have a kid? To have this fresh, clean slate which we could fill. A little clean spirit, innocent, and to fill it with good ideas." Yeah, yeah, how about this? If you're so fucking altruistic, why don't you leave the little clean spirit wherever it is right now? Okay? Horrible act, childbirth. Nightmare. Bringing... I would never bring a kid to this fucking planet.