Thursday, July 31, 2008

A Sumerian walks into a bar...

Old news from Reuters

===

The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests toilet humour was as popular with the ancients as it is today, British academics say.

The joke is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq, and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

It heads the world's Oldest Top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton.

A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second. "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons. "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key."

"Jokes have varied over the years, with some taking the question and answer format while others are witty proverbs or riddles," said the report's writer, Dr Paul McDonald, a senior lecturer at the university.

"What they all share however is a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion. Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humour can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research."

The study was commissioned by UK television channel Dave

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Rules Of Washington DC

If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.

An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Chicken little only has to be right once.

"NO" is only an interim response.

You can't kill a bad idea.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

The truth is a variable.

A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.

You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.

A promise is not a guarantee.

If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Queenslander!

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy "half" a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Queensland, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Queensland," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby league players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Queensland!"

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Just deserts

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

Friday, July 25, 2008

stuck inside of popemobile with the memphis blues again

The Pope just finished a tour of the US East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President?" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Guard parrot

A postman on his first day comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT!

He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch.

He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch.

The mailman opens the gate and walks into the garden.

He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"

The last temptation of Bongo Christ

Thanks to the Guardian, a readers' list of some of the greatest names to play football:

Zambian Laughter Chilembe has played in Zimbabwe for Caps United FC, while I also know about Suprise Moriri from Mamelodi Sundowns in South Africa," says Tinashe Mutsungi Shoko. "But my favourite is one called Have-A-Look Dube playing for Njube Sundowns here in Zimbabwe!

"A quick look reveals some other odd-named players plying their trade in Zimbabwean football for Caps United," begins Mark Baker. "Givemore Manuella, Gift Makolonio and Method Mwanyazi are great names, but they pale into comparison beside Limited Chicafa and the outstandingly-named Danger Fourpence." Staying in Africa, there's also Stephen Sunny Sunday, who plays for Polideportivo Ejido, and South Africa's Naughty Mokoena and Tonic Chabalala. "Surely there can't be any stranger than Austrian side SC Schwanenstadt's marauding midfielder Osa Guobadia?" offers Andy Ferguson, who'll have to do better than that. "He has the name Ice Cream on the back of his shirt." More like it.

A very popular suggestion was Brazilian forward Creedence Clearwater Couto, whose parents were - fortunately - big fans of the American songsters, while there were also calls for former England internationals Harry Daft and Segar Bastard (who, incidentally, refereed an FA Cup final, played cricket for Essex and owned a racehorse).

However, it would be remiss of us to ignore Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gerry Gordon Stephen James Oatway - Charlie to his friends ("I'm named after the QPR 1972-73 promotion-winning team for those of you that have been on the moon all the time I've been at [Brighton]") - or three of our favourites: Australian keeper Norman Conquest, Seychelles star Johnny Moustache, and Congolese striker Bongo Christ.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

English essays exam quotes

1. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer

3. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

4. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

5. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

6. McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

7. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

8. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, kinda' like, sorta, whatever.

10. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Chicago at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from New York 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph

13. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

15. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

16. The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

17. Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

19. The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.

21. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 50 cent-a-pint night.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" ad.

24. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

25. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

26. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

27. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

! 28. It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

29. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

30. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

31. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal fax machine that needed a band tightened.

32. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

33. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master

Monday, July 21, 2008

Great church signs of our time

# Don’t let worry kill you - let the church help.

# Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

# Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

# For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

# The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

# This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

# Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

# Wednesday the Ladies’ Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

# Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

# This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

# The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

# At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

never underestimate the duck!

Murphy was an optimist

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Great oxymorons of our time

Military Intelligence (the oldest of the breed)

Great Britain

Accordion music

Accident alert

Adult male

Airplane food

American English

Clean coal

Death benefit

Diet coke

Economy car

fun run

Good Friday

obscene art

reality TV

rush hour

suicide victim

unbiased opinion

uninvited guest

99% fat free

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Papal space vader

another classic moment from Sydney's World Youth Day celebrations. BXVI has an unexpected guest...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Indispensable office supplies

Sick and tired of no one paying attention to your post-it stickers around the office?

Then try going biblical with ten commandments worth of Miss Poppy's "Thou Shalt" and "Thou Shalt Not" stickies in a hardbound book.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours stickers!

Monday, July 14, 2008

not a gay day

Thanks to Boing Boing, the story of ultra-conservative American Family Association’s OneNewsNow site who were so frightened of gays that they set up a filter to change every instance of the word "gay" to "homosexual." Then along came Olympic sprinter Tyson Gay...

Sunday, July 13, 2008

the hazards of health

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids.

He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already."

Saturday, July 12, 2008

2356 self portraits

a viral video from Noah Kalina...a photo of himself taken every day for 6 years between 2000-2006

Friday, July 11, 2008

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Monday, July 7, 2008

Avon lady

I just had the Avon lady at the door. She asked if the lady of the house was home, I said "No, just me". She asked if I would like to sample the new Avon line, I said "Sure".

I smelled the perfume, and she said "It's called Come To Me".

"Really" I said, "It doesn't smell like come to me!"

Friday, July 4, 2008

Idiocy

IDIOT IN THE SHOP
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature of the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOT IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOT IN THE RESTAURANT
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT IN THE AIRPORT
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT IN TRAFFIC
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT AT THE OFFICE
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Spot the dogged

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

patchwork

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's pen1s and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says,

'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your pen1s.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

close but no cigar

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer?

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."