Thursday, January 17, 2008

the dictionary of Elephant jokes

according to wikipedia, elephant jokes are absurd riddles or conundrums and often a sequence of such, that involves an elephant. Elephant jokes were a fad in the 1960s, with many people constructing large numbers of them according to a set formula. Sometimes they involve parodies or puns.

I'm not sure that explains anything. And none of these below seem to fit the category. But here they are anyway in all their unexpurgated glory. Fittingly, there's quite a large number of them:

There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning at 5am. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on the roads.When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he answered that it was elephant powder. The person then remarked "But everybody knows that there are no elephants in France!" to which he answered "I guess it must be working then!"

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.
Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.
Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"
The elephant nods yes.
The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"
The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....

Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh.
He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant.
Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full.
Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."
"Yeah, he's out back"
After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.
A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading:
"Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeings as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant.
In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.
"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?". Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says, "Help me, help me."
But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her. Replys the elephant, "Anything! Anything!" So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself.
Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant.
Says the elephant: "Ouch!"
Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: "Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!"

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she say this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.
Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.
All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed.
"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.
"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!"

This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Dont worry, I am going to save you". The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle.
The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).
So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger).
As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru' the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh) The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.
Moral of the story: "If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick."

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant
or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

Don't call an elephant, he may come!
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out.

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.
It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys!
Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?
There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).
Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him:
And this poor quaking little monkey replied:
"You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer:
"Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed."
A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a magician."
"What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked.
"We're being sued. A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk and sawed it in half."
"The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked.
"No, the circus," the woman replied. "The elephant bled to death."
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

An Elephant; A Mouse built to government specifications.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.
Deep Thoughts
By Jack Handey
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Telephone Joke:
"Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"
The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."
If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
-- General Sedgwick's last words
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Elephants who?
Ella Fintzgerald!

In the jungle there was once this elephant and a snake. They had a bitter rivalry about who was smarter. So the wise owl (who was their arbitrator) set each of them a test. To the elephant he posed the problem of catching or snookering the snake; the snake, on the other hand, had to surprise and astound the elephant.
Next day the snake crept up on the elephant; and within a blink of an eye slithered up the elephant's trunk. The snake wriggled and wriggled up the trunk, into the esophegus, down into the stomach, through the intestines, and a minute later popped out of the elephant's arse, and said 'BOO!'
The elephant, clearly astounded, asked the snake to do it again; this was truly a remarkable feat, and wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke.
So the snake wiped himself on some grass, and slithered once more up the trunk, slipping and sliding through the elephant's digestive tract.
When the snake emerged a minute later, covered in shit, from the elephant's rectum, the elephant shoved his trunk up his ass and said 'Snookered!'
As any physicist, engineer, mathematician etc.. will tell you, an Elephant crossed with a Rhinocerous gives |Elephant||Rhinocerous| Sin(theta)!
once there was an elephant
who tried to be a telephant;
no no, I mean an elephone
who tried to be a telephone.
(Dear me I am not certain quite
that even now i've got it right)
how e'r it was he got his trunk
entangled in the telephunk
the more he tried to get it free,
the louder buzzed the telephee.
(i fear i'd better quit this song
of elehop and telephong.)
The Elephant, or so it seems,
Very rarely has wet dreams,
ut when he does, He comes in streams,
Revelling in the joys of fornication.
A lady while dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant's whang in her stew,
Said the waiter,"don't shout, and don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too!!"
How to Catch a White Elephant ============================= Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen
Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.
After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin without rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken in anger.
And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.
The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.
The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."
The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."
The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."
The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"
And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"
Two elephants - Harry & Faye
Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way
So they boarded a plane
They're now kissing in Maine
Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.

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