Saturday, September 20, 2008

The rabbi, the hindu and the lawyer

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of petrol and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says, 'I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn.' So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, 'There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.'

So, the Rabbi says, 'I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn.' A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.

So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.

It's the pig and the cow...

Friday, September 19, 2008

The rabbi and the priest

A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..."

The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Thursday, September 18, 2008

There are three types of people...

...those who can count and those who can't.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Yikes, its Ike

a couple of the many amazing images of Cyclone Ike at www.boston.com

Monday, September 15, 2008

Sarah Palin shoots My Little Pony: the best of last week's late night jokes

as collected by Daniel Kurtzman

"They're selling Sarah Palin action figures online. I don't know where they get the outfits for these, but she looks like the sluttiest librarian of all time. Sad incident at Toys 'R' Us today -- a Sarah Palin doll shot My Little Pony." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, it's a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican party. They fought the Republican establishment. And they battled Republicans. Their message: vote Republican." --Jay Leno

"Federal investigators said that members of the Bush administration who were in charge of overseeing billions of dollars in oil royalties received gifts and had illicit sex with oil company employees. They actually had sex with oil company employees. You know, when the Republicans said 'drill everywhere,' I had no idea." –Jay Leno

"Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: Is she ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don't think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously." --David Letterman

"The campaign is coming down to one very important issue: putting makeup on farm animals. That seems to be where we're at. Oh, this is so stupid. Did you hear about this? Yesterday, Barack Obama attacked John McCain's policies, implying it's more of the same by saying ... you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. To which Bill Clinton said, 'You know, I've tried that, and you're right. … Well, now McCain is demanding an apology. Do you believe that? Two senators arguing over lipstick, and neither one of them is Larry Craig." --Jay Leno

"Of course, now everyone's digging into Sarah Palin's past. There's an old picture of Sarah Palin circulating on the internet right now, and she's wearing a t-shirt that says, 'I may be broke, but I'm not flat-busted.' Yeah, John McCain was upset when he heard this and asked, 'What's the internet?'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, 'Hey, if I didn't look into her background, there's no reason you should be looking into her background.'" --Jay Leno

"Experts say -- this is interesting -- that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama is going to have lunch with Bill Clinton this week to discuss Democratic strategy. They're going to get together and talk. You know, they haven't been that friendly up to this point. Of course, it's tough agreeing on a restaurant, because the two men are both so different. Finally, they settled on a 'Hooters' that serves arugula." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney told reporters this week, there's no reason why Sarah Palin cannot be a successful vice president in the McCain administration. In fact, not only can she shoot a lawyer in the face, she can field dress him as well." --Jay Leno

"I kind of like that Sarah Palin. You know, she reminds me, she looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi. No, you've had enough. We're landing. Looks like the waitress at the coffee shop who draws a little smiley face on your check. Have a nice day." --David Letterman

"And the big guns are out. The Democrats have sent Hillary to Florida to go after Sarah Palin. So, that makes two Clintons trying to nail her now." --Jay Leno

"Oprah Winfrey's in the middle of a big scandal, because she is refusing to have Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on her show. The friction started because Palin said if she's elected, she'll be the most powerful woman in the country. And Oprah said, 'The hell you will!'" --Conan O'Brien

"McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on, no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar." --Bill Maher

"Bush didn't make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn't. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack." --Bill Maher

"New Rule: Republicans must stop saying Obama is an elitist and just admit you don't like him because of something he can't help, something that's a result of the way he was born. Admit it---you're not voting for him because he's smarter than you." --Bill Maher

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Whiskey fruit cake recipe

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

collide-a-scope

With the world due to end this afternoon at 5pm (AEST) when the atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider kicks into gear in Switzerland, it is only fit and proper that this final post is anything but fit and proper. As well as blaming CERN, we should also blame the New York Times who thought today's Armageddon was being caused by the "large hardon collider".
















A typo which caused Busycowboy to helpfully lay out the diagramatic consequences of our tumescent demise:

Monday, September 8, 2008

a load of old bullocks

Residents of Old Bullock Rd in Wellington, New Zealand are up in arms at a road sign "error".

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Cultured pooch

A man took his dog to the cinema to see War and Peace. The dog sat beside him and the audience was amazed to see the dog and his reactions to the film. When the heroine was facing dire straits the dog would howl and when things were going well he'd bark and wag his tail.

After the film ended a woman came up to the dog's owner and said: "Wow, your dog's reactions were amazing!" The man replied: “I know, I'm really surprised. He hated the book."

Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Mighty Peking Man

thanks to "Why, That's Delightful!" I found this hilarious trailer of Hong Kong flick The Mighty Peking Man. It's got the lot....violence, "fierce tigers", leopards fighting with snakes, fire engines, exploding airplanes, gratuitous soft porn and Mighty Peking man himself, a cheap King Kong/Godzilla clone "wreaking havoc in busy centres"...enjoy!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Jim
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?


Sincerely,

Anne


-----
Dear Anne:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.


Jim

Monday, September 1, 2008

Ideas for lighting the Olympic flame in London 2012

Eric Bristow throws a flaming dart through the torch, while nursing a pint of bitter in his free hand.

Flame is lit by a baker from Pudding Lane

Flame is kindled by setting alight Arthur Scargill’s toupee, and having it flung to the cauldron by Margaret Thatcher.

Flame cauldron is torpedoed by The Conqueror, to cries of “Gotcha”

Steve Davis performs the greatest trick shot of all time, potting a flaming pink ball into the cauldron.

Cauldron is bombed by the Germans while the crowd huddles in underground stations singing “White Cliffs of Dover”

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Grand Old Party dream ticket

Dublin northside exam paper

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
NAME _________________________
NICK]NAME ____________________
GANG NAME ____________________
1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for EUR300 and 90 grams to Tomo for EUR90 a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 Euro a royid, how many royids per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 Euro a day crack habit?

3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for EUR7,000 to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got EUR350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends EUR33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of the 'Joy? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph, Eamo loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?

Saturday, August 30, 2008

how to spell the name of the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Arab Libyan Popular and Socialist Jamahirya

One of the more enjoyable questions asked of Cecil Adams at The Straight Dope was how to spell the name of the esteemed leader of Libya. There are over 30 variants but for what its worth I have a slight preference for Gadafy or Gaddafy.

Dear Cecil:

Does anyone know how to spell the "mad dog's" name? Time spells it Muammar Gaddafi, the TV stations spell it Moammar Khaddafi, and my roommate tells me she's seen it spelled Qaddafi. Now all of a sudden there's a rush to start spelling it Gadhafi. What's the deal?

— S. Johnsen, Chicago

Cecil replies:

Lord knows I hate to be critical, but the proliferation of spellings for the name of Libya's head dude has been one of the continuing scandals of American journalism. I mean, come on, we're trying to plumb this guy's psychic depths and we can't even get his name straight? Sometimes I shudder for the future of my country.

I count at least 12 different ways to spell the colonel's handle, including Qaddhafi (New York Review of Books), Qaddafi (New Republic), Gaddafi (Time), Kaddafi (Newsweek), Khadafy (Maclean's), Qadhafi (U.S. News & World Report), Qadaffi (Business Week), and Gadaffi (World Press Review). Libya's UN mission, in an effort to spread further confusion, spells the name Qathafi, and I know I've seen Gadaafi somewhere. To make matters worse, the Library of Congress and the Middle East Studies Association, to whom one would ordinarily look for guidance, have a fondness for Qadhdhafi, which is an abomination unto God. I think you now begin to grasp the dimensions of the problem.

Some publications have used several spellings over the years; unfortunately, the result has not been a stylistic convergence, but rather a prolongation of the dismal status quo. In 1973 Business Week started out with Qadafi, which had the advantage of simplicity, at least; unfortunately, almost no one else used it, and BW sheepishly changed to Qadaffi. As of December 30, 1985, the usually punctilious New Yorker was spelling it Khadafy; by January 20, 1986, this had inexplicably morphed into Qaddafi. The Wall Street Journal initially used Qaddhafi, but now has shifted to Qadhafi. My personal feeling is to chuck all the preceding and just call him Poohead, which is easier to remember and has an undeniable evocative power as well. But to each his own.

Things are only slightly less muddled with Mr. K's (or Mr. Q's or Mr. G's, as you prefer) first name. Biz Week originally had it as Muammer, and the New Yorker used to say Moammar, but now both have changed to Muammar. For a while, in fact, it seemed that Muammar (sometimes written Mu'ammar, but let's not get picky) might become the standard--until the Desert Fox himself threw a monkey wrench into things, as he is wont to do. But more on this anon.

The basic problem here is that (1) there is no generally accepted authority for romanizing Arabic names, and (2) the Mummer's name contains several sounds that have no exact equivalent in English. In standard Arabic, the initial consonant qaf is pronounced like a throaty k, midway between the English k and the German ch, as in Bach. The second consonant, dhal--two dhals, actually--is pronounced like a double dh, which is similar to English th, only with the tongue pulled back a bit behind the teeth. Regional pronunciation differences further complicate matters. Libyans tend to pronounce qaf like a hard g, which has inspired a whole different set of spellings.

In most cases where there is doubt about how to spell somebody's name, the usual journalistic practice is to accept the preference of the namee. For many years, however, the Mummer was too busy promoting global chaos to devote much time to the niceties of orthography. That changed in May, 1986, when he responded to a letter from some second-graders at Maxfield Magnet School in St. Paul, Minnesota. The colonel signed the letter in Arabic script, beneath which was typed "Moammar El-Gadhafi." This was the first known indication of his own feelings on the subject, and the wire services and many newspapers promptly announced they would switch. But Time and the New York Times remain holdouts--which is typical, if you ask me. Someday, I swear, we gotta get organized.

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A WORD

Dear Cecil:

You are usually right on the money with your answers to a variety of interesting questions. But I have to take exception to your remarks concerning the spelling of Muammar Qaddafi. You stated that the Library of Congress is fond of the spelling Qadhdhafi, "which is an abomination." It is indeed an abominable spelling, but the Library of Congress has no special fondness for it. Rather, as the enclosed Name Authority Record indicates, the Library has chosen the spelling Muammar Qaddafi. To be sure, the Name Authority Record shows many variants, of which Qadhdhafi is one. However, for cataloguing and retrieval purposes the Library uses the spelling at the top of the Authority Record regardless of what variant may appear on the title page of the work being catalogued. For example, if you were to write several more books alternately calling yourself C. Adams, C.A. Adams, C. Adams Sr. or Cecil Adams, BA, MA, PhD, all of your works would be catalogued with the authoritative heading as established by the Library's Descriptive Cataloguing divisions--most likely Cecil Adams.

I don't think I have ever come across a Name Authority Record with so many variant (read: unofficial) references as this one. Shakespeare, Lenin, and Tolstoy have as many because their works have been translated into so many languages. Is it Lev Tolsztoj, L.N. Tolstoi, Lyof Tolstoi or Lav Nikolajevic Tolstoj? The Library has settled, you may argue arbitrarily, on Leo Tolstoy as its standardized form.

I have read your book The Straight Dope and found it highly entertaining and informative. I look forward to many more collections of your best columns. --Michael M., AB, MA, PhD, MLS--MARC Editorial Division, Miscellaneous Languages Unit, Library of Congress, Washington, D.C.

Cecil replies:

I'm glad you folks at the L. of C. are beginning to study the Straight Dope so attentively, Mike. Maybe next I'll make it onto the Prez's morning news digest and we can really get this country straightened out.

Sorry if I unjustly accused you on the Qadhdhafi business, but you know how dealing with this guy can cloud the mind. For the record, here's the official Library of Congress rundown on how to spell ol' whatsisname: (1) Muammar Qaddafi, (2) Mo'ammar Gadhafi, (3) Muammar Kaddafi, (4) Muammar Qadhafi, (5) Moammar El Kadhafi, (6) Muammar Gadafi, (7) Mu'ammar al-Qadafi, (8) Moamer El Kazzafi, (9) Moamar al-Gaddafi, (10) Mu'ammar Al Qathafi, (11) Muammar Al Qathafi, (12) Mo'ammar el-Gadhafi, (13) Moamar El Kadhafi, (14) Muammar al-Qadhafi, (15) Mu'ammar al-Qadhdhafi, (16) Mu'ammar Qadafi, (17) Moamar Gaddafi, (18) Mu'ammar Qadhdhafi, (19) Muammar Khaddafi, (20) Muammar al-Khaddafi, (21) Mu'amar al-Kadafi, (22) Muammar Ghaddafy, (23) Muammar Ghadafi, (24) Muammar Ghaddafi, (25) Muamar Kaddafi, (26) Muammar Quathafi, (27) Muammar Gheddafi, (28) Muamar Al-Kaddafi, (29) Moammar Khadafy, (30) Moammar Qudhafi, (31) Mu'ammar al-Qaddafi, (32) Mulazim Awwal Mu'ammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Qadhafi.

I mean, hey, are we talking a major campaign of Libyan disinformation here or what? Well, I'm not going to fall for it. I say we just call him Duckbreath. It's short, it's easy to spell, and Lord knows it satisfies the soul.

A POSTSCRIPT

To the Teeming Millions:

I just found out that you-know-who's official title is "Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Arab Libyan Popular and Socialist Jamahirya." Just in case you were thinking of dropping him a line.

Friday, August 29, 2008

quixotic quiz answers

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For 10 Pounds , what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the Middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . ..
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta ?.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER.ER. Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er .... Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Rum, sodomy and the lash

A poster for Portsmouth Historic Dockyard seems to confirm what everyone thinks sailor boys get up to on the High Seas. Full story at The Register

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

10 Classic Roy Keane rants



Thanks to The naidrauG, here are some of Roy Keane's most flowery moments.

1) THE ONE THAT GOT ROY THROWN OUT OF WORLD CUP:
Keane temporarily quits international football after a monumental slanging match with Republic of Ireland boss Mick McCarthy, in front of his team-mates in Saipan. Keane had expressed his frustrations with the side's preparations for the 2002 World Cup to the Irish Times, telling them: "You've seen the training pitch and I'm not being a prima donna. Training pitch, travel arrangements, getting through the bloody airport when we were leaving, it's the combination of things. I would never say 'that's the reason or this is the reason', but enough is enough."

That interview led to a furious row, during which Keane told McCarthy. "Mick, you're a liar... you're a fucking wanker. I didn't rate you as a player, I don't rate you as a manager, and I don't rate you as a person. You're a fucking wanker and you can stick your World Cup up your arse. The only reason I have any dealings with you is that somehow you are the manager of my country! You can stick it up your bollocks."

2) THE ONE THAT LED TO ROY LEAVING MANCHESTER UNITED
Keane leaves Manchester United after attacking seven of his team-mates on the club's TV channel, MUTV. Keane's most stinging vitriol was reserved for Ferguson's record signing, Rio Ferdinand. "Just because you are paid £120,000-a-week and play well for 20 minutes against Tottenham, you think you are a superstar," Keane said. "The younger players have been let down by some of the more experienced players. They are just not leading. There is a shortage of characters in this team. It seems to be in this club that you have to play badly to be rewarded. Maybe that is what I should do when I come back. Play badly." Not surprisingly the video, originally scheduled as part of the Roy Keane Plays the Pundit slot on MUTV, was pulled at the insistence of manager Sir Alex Ferguson.

3) THE ONE WITH THE SNAPPED LIGAMENT
After Keane suffered a season-ending knee injury while trying to trip up Alf Inge Halaand in September 1997, the Irishman stewed for three years before exacting his revenge in the Manchester derby. "I'd waited long enough. I fucking hit him hard. The ball was there (I think). Take that you cunt," he recalled in his autobiography in 2002. "And don't ever stand over me again sneering about fake injuries. And tell your pal [David] Wetherall there's some for him as well. I didn't wait for Mr Elleray to show the red card. I turned and walked to the dressing room."

4) THE ONE WITH THE PRAWN SANDWICH:
Keane hits out at sections of United's support in the wake of what he felt was a dire atmosphere in the club's Champions League clash with Dynamo Kiev in 2000. "Sometimes you wonder, do they understand the game of football?" he splutters. "We're 1-0 up, then there are one or two stray passes and they're getting on players' backs. It's just not on. At the end of the day they need to get behind the team. Away from home our fans are fantastic, I'd call them the hardcore fans. But at home they have a few drinks and probably the prawn sandwiches, and they don't realise what's going on out on the pitch. I don't think some of the people who come to Old Trafford can spell 'football', never mind understand it."

5) THE ONE WITH THE RUN-IN WITH BIG JACK:
Even as a teenager, Keane is not afraid to stand up to authority. Following a friendly against the United States in Boston in 1991, the Republic of Ireland team are allowed a night out. The next morning, with departure set for 7.30am, the team are kept waiting until 8am by Keane. A furious Jack Charlton says: "Nineteen years old, your first trip, do you have any idea how long we have been waiting?" Keane replies, without a hint of fear: "I didn't ask you to wait, did I?"

6) THE ONE WITH THE LETTER:
In 2000, Manchester United write a letter to fans blaming Roy Keane's new £52,000-a-week contract for the hike in season ticket prices. Roy, unsurprisingly, isn't happy. "I'm not one for holding grudges but this was a stupid mistake, a bad public relations exercise and something that should never have happened," he thunders. "I'm still waiting for my apology but I could be waiting a long time. The board have tried to explain what they meant, that it was part of a wider picture of trying to keep the fans informed, telling them the club wanted to rebuild and strengthen, which is why prices were going up. The fact is nobody should be singled out in a letter. It wasn't right. I felt everything was being laid at my door."

7) THE ONE WHERE PLAYERS ARE "PIECES OF MEAT"
It's 2002, and Jaap Stam's £16.5m departure to Lazio finds Roy unhappy. Again. "His transfer to Lazio illustrates how little power footballers have in the game. Contracts mean nothing," he fumes. "He has discovered that, to football clubs, players are just expensive pieces of meat. The harsh realities remain and when a club decide they want to sell there is little you can do once the wheels are in motion."

8) THE ONE WHERE ROY PROVES TO BE A FORTUNE TELLER:
Just prior to United's make-or-break Premiership showdown with Arsenal in 2002, Keane questions the desire of some of his team-mates and warns - prophetically as it turns out - the Red Devils could end the season without a trophy. "There are a lot of cover-ups sometimes and players need to stand up and be counted," he admits. "I'm not sure that happens a lot at this club. That's the least we should do. We shouldn't have to demand it from the players - they should be proud to play and give 100%. We're not asking for miracles. We're asking them to do what they should be doing. When players don't do that it's bloody frustrating. We're going to find it hard to win the league and if we end up with no trophies there's something wrong."

9) THE ONE WHERE HE BLAMES THE YOUNGSTERS
As United lose their grip on their Premiership title in 2004, Keane rounds on unidentified younger players, accusing them of not pulling their weight. "We have one or two young players who have done very little in the game," he spits. "They need to remember that and not slack off. They need to remember just how lucky we all are to play for Manchester United and show that out on the pitch."

10) THE ONE WITH THE IRISH BLAZERS: In 2001, Keane hints he might quit the international stage if Republic of Ireland officials continue to treat the squad like second-class citizens. Fresh from a brilliant performance in a 4-0 thrashing of Cyprus, Keane blasts the FAI. "Where we trained last Monday, in Clonshaugh, was abysmal and it has been for as long as I've known it," he says. "I was fairly critical about our seating arrangements on the flight out here, when the officials were sitting in the first-class seats and the players were sitting behind. For me that's simply not right and it's not just because I'm playing for Manchester United. The priority has to be the team - and I don't think that has always been the case here."

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Bank of Gdansk

Polish joke from the Communist era...

A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous.

"What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?" he asks.

"Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw."

"But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?"

"Well, there'd be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by the National Bank of Poland."

"And if the National Bank of Poland fails?"

"Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow."

"And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?"

"Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet Union."

"And if that bank fails?"

"Well, in that case, you'd lose all your money. But, wouldn't it be worth it?"

Monday, August 25, 2008

clintonista

What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?

At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."

Sunday, August 24, 2008

health hazard

A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor says, "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."

The man says, "why?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm trying to examine you."

Saturday, August 23, 2008

logical fallacy

A racing car driver worried by the possibilities of a blowout consulted a mathematician.

"Don't worry," he was told, "there is only chance in a thousand of any one car blowing a tyre."

"But I do a hell of a lot of driving," he retorted.

"Then always carry a flat tyre yourself," replied the mathematician, "because there's only one chance in a million of a car having two flat tyres".

Friday, August 22, 2008

two theories on Michael Phelps

There's the Onion's Seaworld fishtank version

and then there's the Daily Show's Giant Clam version:

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Windtalking

From the brilliant mind of xkcd

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Monday, August 18, 2008

Late night crew on the Olympics

"China is getting ready for the Olympics. The official motto for the Olympics is 'One World, One Dream.' Restrictions Apply. Tibet Not Included." --Jay Leno

"China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they're commonly called in China, jails." --Conan O'Brien

"Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks." --Jay Leno

"Everybody going to the Olympics is concerned about the air quality in China. There is a lot of smog. Friends over there tell me that the air in China looks like the air in Willie Nelson's tour bus." --David Letterman

"There's excitement in the air over the Olympics...also lead, arsenic, benzene." --David Letterman

"The Olympics start the Friday after next -- pollution permitting. For some reason, they're having them in Beijing, which means the Chinese government right now is very hard at work trying to cover up all the horrible things about their country . It's like when your mom comes to visit your dorm room." --Jimmy Kimmel

"China has announced that they're shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer -- so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: 'Sorry, but for the next few months, you're going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else." --Conan O'Brien

"China is upset because somebody leaked a video of the rehearsal for the Olympics Opening Ceremony on the Internet. I don't want to give away too much, but it ends with the lighting of a torch." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush will be in China for the Olympics. He's gonna be there for the opening ceremonies, and also, while he's there, he will be searching for 'Lo Mein of Mass Destruction.'" --David Letterman

"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"Now you think I'm exaggerating, but they had a practice today in Beijing for the Olympics and a javelin thrower threw the javelin up into the air and it stuck." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Bush gave the U.S. Olympic team a rousing send-off to the Olympics. Again, I don't think President Bush is that up on geography. Like he told the athletes to get there a couple of days early to acclimate themselves to the fact that China is upside-down" --Jay Leno

"And China says it will ban entertainers they deem a threat to the government from taking part in any activities during the Olympics. You make fun of the government, you'll be banned from the Olympics, to which Bush said, "You can do that?" --Jay Leno

"And human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it's pretty much a wash." --Jay Leno

"The government of China has banned restaurants from serving dog meat during the Olympics. This is particularly bad news for the popular Chinese fast food chain, 'McDachsunds.' --Conan O'Brien

Sunday, August 17, 2008

fans not happy

fans let their goalkeeper know what they think of him after he leaves in an easy goal.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Why Obama will win the election

picture of a recent and rousing McCain rally:

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Beckham's bucking bronco

David Beckham decides to go horse riding.

Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, with Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse round the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

Beckham decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Sunday, August 10, 2008

moaning has broken

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"

Sadie questions: "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when!"

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had!"

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Friday, August 8, 2008

Aussie sensitivity

A golfing foursome were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The four were a Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money."

The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"

The Aussie said, "Why can't they fucking play at night?"

Thursday, August 7, 2008

bravepig

A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly - it looked like a pig with a wooden leg!

He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer. "Excuse me," the traveler said. "I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?"

The farmer smiled. "Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He's the finest pig a man could ever hope to have - and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that pig. You see that barge down there on the river? That's a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up. Now that dredge brings me in about $120,000 every year.

"There's another thing, too, a little more personal. One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out. "There is no question about it - that night old Caesar saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily."

"Why," the traveler said, "this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was he in a wreck or something?"

The farmer laughed and said, "Well, naturally, when you have a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at one time!"

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Hadron's wall

one of a series of terrific photos of CERN's Hadron collider at Wired

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

rubbish joke

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."

To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Thursday, July 31, 2008

A Sumerian walks into a bar...

Old news from Reuters

===

The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests toilet humour was as popular with the ancients as it is today, British academics say.

The joke is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq, and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

It heads the world's Oldest Top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton.

A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second. "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons. "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key."

"Jokes have varied over the years, with some taking the question and answer format while others are witty proverbs or riddles," said the report's writer, Dr Paul McDonald, a senior lecturer at the university.

"What they all share however is a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion. Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humour can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research."

The study was commissioned by UK television channel Dave

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Rules Of Washington DC

If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.

An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Chicken little only has to be right once.

"NO" is only an interim response.

You can't kill a bad idea.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

The truth is a variable.

A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.

You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.

A promise is not a guarantee.

If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Queenslander!

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy "half" a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Queensland, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Queensland," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby league players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Queensland!"

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Just deserts

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

Friday, July 25, 2008

stuck inside of popemobile with the memphis blues again

The Pope just finished a tour of the US East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President?" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Guard parrot

A postman on his first day comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT!

He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch.

He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch.

The mailman opens the gate and walks into the garden.

He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"

The last temptation of Bongo Christ

Thanks to the Guardian, a readers' list of some of the greatest names to play football:

Zambian Laughter Chilembe has played in Zimbabwe for Caps United FC, while I also know about Suprise Moriri from Mamelodi Sundowns in South Africa," says Tinashe Mutsungi Shoko. "But my favourite is one called Have-A-Look Dube playing for Njube Sundowns here in Zimbabwe!

"A quick look reveals some other odd-named players plying their trade in Zimbabwean football for Caps United," begins Mark Baker. "Givemore Manuella, Gift Makolonio and Method Mwanyazi are great names, but they pale into comparison beside Limited Chicafa and the outstandingly-named Danger Fourpence." Staying in Africa, there's also Stephen Sunny Sunday, who plays for Polideportivo Ejido, and South Africa's Naughty Mokoena and Tonic Chabalala. "Surely there can't be any stranger than Austrian side SC Schwanenstadt's marauding midfielder Osa Guobadia?" offers Andy Ferguson, who'll have to do better than that. "He has the name Ice Cream on the back of his shirt." More like it.

A very popular suggestion was Brazilian forward Creedence Clearwater Couto, whose parents were - fortunately - big fans of the American songsters, while there were also calls for former England internationals Harry Daft and Segar Bastard (who, incidentally, refereed an FA Cup final, played cricket for Essex and owned a racehorse).

However, it would be remiss of us to ignore Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gerry Gordon Stephen James Oatway - Charlie to his friends ("I'm named after the QPR 1972-73 promotion-winning team for those of you that have been on the moon all the time I've been at [Brighton]") - or three of our favourites: Australian keeper Norman Conquest, Seychelles star Johnny Moustache, and Congolese striker Bongo Christ.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

English essays exam quotes

1. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer

3. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

4. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

5. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

6. McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

7. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

8. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, kinda' like, sorta, whatever.

10. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Chicago at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from New York 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph

13. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

15. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

16. The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

17. Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

19. The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.

21. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 50 cent-a-pint night.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" ad.

24. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

25. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

26. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

27. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

! 28. It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

29. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

30. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

31. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal fax machine that needed a band tightened.

32. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

33. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master

Monday, July 21, 2008

Great church signs of our time

# Don’t let worry kill you - let the church help.

# Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

# Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

# For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

# The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

# This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

# Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

# Wednesday the Ladies’ Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

# Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

# This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

# The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

# At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

never underestimate the duck!

Murphy was an optimist

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Great oxymorons of our time

Military Intelligence (the oldest of the breed)

Great Britain

Accordion music

Accident alert

Adult male

Airplane food

American English

Clean coal

Death benefit

Diet coke

Economy car

fun run

Good Friday

obscene art

reality TV

rush hour

suicide victim

unbiased opinion

uninvited guest

99% fat free

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Papal space vader

another classic moment from Sydney's World Youth Day celebrations. BXVI has an unexpected guest...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Indispensable office supplies

Sick and tired of no one paying attention to your post-it stickers around the office?

Then try going biblical with ten commandments worth of Miss Poppy's "Thou Shalt" and "Thou Shalt Not" stickies in a hardbound book.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours stickers!

Monday, July 14, 2008

not a gay day

Thanks to Boing Boing, the story of ultra-conservative American Family Association’s OneNewsNow site who were so frightened of gays that they set up a filter to change every instance of the word "gay" to "homosexual." Then along came Olympic sprinter Tyson Gay...

Sunday, July 13, 2008

the hazards of health

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids.

He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already."

Saturday, July 12, 2008

2356 self portraits

a viral video from Noah Kalina...a photo of himself taken every day for 6 years between 2000-2006

Friday, July 11, 2008

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Monday, July 7, 2008

Avon lady

I just had the Avon lady at the door. She asked if the lady of the house was home, I said "No, just me". She asked if I would like to sample the new Avon line, I said "Sure".

I smelled the perfume, and she said "It's called Come To Me".

"Really" I said, "It doesn't smell like come to me!"

Friday, July 4, 2008

Idiocy

IDIOT IN THE SHOP
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature of the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOT IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOT IN THE RESTAURANT
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT IN THE AIRPORT
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT IN TRAFFIC
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT AT THE OFFICE
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Spot the dogged

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

patchwork

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's pen1s and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says,

'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your pen1s.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

close but no cigar

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer?

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

Sunday, June 29, 2008

helpful advice

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Friday, June 27, 2008

all bar dogs

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my guide dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

Thursday, June 26, 2008

be careful what you ask for in the outback

The Royal Mail at Meekatharra calls it as it sees it (though at these prices, presumably before the alcopop tax hike kicked in..)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Lizard makes the news

never work with (children and) animals...

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

George Carlin quotes

George Carlin RIP

1. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

4. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

8. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

9. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

10. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

13. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

15. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

18. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

19. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

20. Electricity is really just organized lightning.

21. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

22. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

29. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

30. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

31. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

32. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

33. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

34. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

35. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

36. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

37. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

38. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

39. This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

These were thought to be, but are NOT George Carlin quotes.
But they are still amusing.

1. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

2. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

3. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

4. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

7. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

8. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

9. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

10. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

11. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

12. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

13. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

14. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

15. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

16. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

17. How is it possible to have a civil war?

18. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

19. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

20. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

21. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

22. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

23. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

24. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

25. Is there another word for synonym?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

28. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

29. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

30. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

31. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

32. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

33. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

34. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

35. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

36. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

37. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

38. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Billy Connolly's "14 things I hate"

* People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

* People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

* When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

* When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do People do this? Who and where are they?

* When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

* People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

* When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

* When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

* When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

* People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

* When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

* People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

* McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

Friday, June 20, 2008

booked

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.

Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."